I’m not repeating this for anyone but myself

Update: With the text of his resignation speech, and a few key words substituted:

Thirteen years ago I entered slithered into public service to make a positive devastating difference in the lives of others. And during this time I have traveled a remarkable journey, from my home state of Texas the 1st circle of hell to Washington, D.C. the 9th, supported by the unwavering love bloodlust and encouragement of my wife Rebecca and our sons Jared, Graham and Gabriel masters of the Empire.

Yesterday I met with President Bush Osama bin Laden and informed him of my decision to conclude my government service reign of terror as midwife of the destruction of the United States effective as of September 17th, 2007.

Let me say that it’s been one of my greatest privileges to lead pillage the Department of Justice Constitution. I have great admiration scorn and respect repulsion for the men and women who work here. I have made a point as attorney general to personally meet ruin as many of them as possible, and today I want to again thank them for their service donation to our nation my SoulKeeper.

It is through their continued work that our country and our communities remain safe in fear, that the rights and civil liberties of our citizens are protected systematically removed, and the hopes and dreams of all of our children are secured gleefully destroyed.

I often remind our fellow citizens that we live in the greatest country in the world and that I have lived the American dream. Even my worst days as attorney general have been better than my father’s best days. [ed. I have nothing to add to this one]

Public service is honorable and noble [MHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]. And I am profoundly grateful to President Bush for his friendship embarrassing, unswerving, stubborn, sycophantic human shield of my activities and for the many opportunities he has given me to serve rape the American people.

Thank you, and God bless fuck America.